I don't understand anymore (Explanation? / Vent?)

So I feel like...
Ok nah I should just say it.

So...-person who will not be named- informed me of my general...pissy and unpleasant behavior.
Or I should say multiple people. And then informed me there were more people than I knew of
Now I do want to try and...be "nice" for lack of a better term...

But it's only been like...3 days and I don't feel like I'm being honest.

Does this mean I wont be nice? No it doesn't.
But like...I don't feel like I'm being me with all the intensive compliments and praise.
Now do you deserve it? Of course you do! But...like seriously...that is NOT me...

Why am I saying this?
Well...someone who else wont be named who has only watched me for a couple days now, brought up how everything I'm doing seems rather forced and our of character from what they know of me. And to be honest...it kind of is...

Plus A LOT of you mentioned that I seemed fine? That you never noticed any malice or aggression from me? That's a HUGE difference from what I was told...so now I am really conflicted.

But again why am I posting this? Am I just ranting again? Honestly it could be but it's really not.

This is more of an explanation more than anything else. (Especially for those of you who are new and confused by this)

Awhile ago I was very sick and had crippling anxiety. I wanted to be alone all the time and even the nicest comment was bound to set me off. For no reason I would get angry and start cursing at people I was normally on good terms with and more than once would just push people into arguments for no good reason.
This isn't an excuse this is the truth. Anyone who suffers from anxiety will know this. If you don't please don't say "Your just using it as an excuse for your actions."
No. I couldn't help it because I couldn't know what would make me angry, upset, stressed, etc. It sucks more for me than you.

In my anger I stopped talking / responding to people and stopped doing anything that caused me to become upset. Such as writing, digital art and more.

I KNOW this angered people. Looking back on it, I realize what I did was wrong but I can't go back and change it.

But the point of the matter...I'm better. How do I know? I sought out treatment and those who live with me have noticed a VISIBLE improvement. Enough so that they actually like having me around again.



Now: I am posting this because I was trying to be nice to make others happy because I felt like I had to make up -in some way- for my attitude.
But I'm not really...well..comfortable. I feel freaked out frankly simply because it's the same thing I've always done...I've never been an outright mean person. I mean...yeah I get angry and have moods sometimes...but doesn't everyone? I mean even when I was aggressive, I still did gift art, made stuff for friends, did random acts of kindness. I still do and will continue to.

I'm normally a very sarcastic, blunt speaking, hard-headed person who is set in their ways and dislikes change. Not to mention swear like a sailor because that's how I talk.
That's who I am...
Now does that mean I wont post motivational things? Compliment you?
No. But it'll now be when I feel like it. As it should be. I want to make you guys happy but it shouldn't be forced...


I mean...if you have a problem with me just...doing what I'm doing? That's fine.
There's (as of last I checked) 751 of you guys.
That's like...daaaamn. I'm even some of you guy's idol. That's shocking to me.


Literally I am just some chick behind a computer screen who likes to draw...
I only joined dA to share my stuff with a friend. I never intended to get where I am now.
I realize I influence you guys too..But if you get anything out of this, I am a person like any of you. Don't take me to seriously and if you have a problem talk to me. I'm just like any of you. Just because people watch me doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to post my feelings, rants, and thoughts on a subject.

I want to your friend.
But this is to tell you all -those who find me a jerk and those who like me- I am who I am. I have my ups. I have my downs. I am human after all. Still a person with emotions, issues, and problems.
Whether you see me as a jerk or a kind person depends on if you talk to me or not really...

Anyways I've gone on long enough.
If you made it this far thanks for reading!

~Kitty